Totally a Cute Thing

The pursuit of happiness… there’s just something on it that I’m not doing. Oh, right: pursuit.

I just feel so tired, don’t want to keep going… but, if I don’t, some people that are behind me, that use me as a support, will fall, most likely. Then again, I try to make the people around me happy, always before me. I think that I won’t start that pursuit, as I called it before, until the people around me is happy… but what if they tell me that they’ll be happy when I’m happy? I don’t know, nor what I will do…

Why do I do this? Trying to keep happiness around me, but myself not happy? I don’t know, again. It’s like if I feared, in a way, happiness. Or perhaps it is that I forgot what is really that word. I’ve used it many times, but, I think I forgot how it feels that emotion; I’ve become emotionally numb.

A friend nicknamed me “door”, joking I think, but, it is true, if I think it more deeply. While I try to keep a low profile, and a sort of mask, inside, I keep all the emotions. I got used to answer “I’m fine” whenever somebody asked how I was.

And, you know what?
I’m tired of this.

I’m tired of all this.

I hate myself for keeping so long all this. I have friends, and family that care of me,  but I’ve “ignored” them, always keeping things to myself.

Last 2 months I’ve been making some progress. And I’m sure that it is a progress. Recognizing the problem I have, of not telling my emotions, and then chatting with some friends about it.

Then, last week, I managed to talk with a friend about my life, problems, feelings… that’s a lot, I think. But, in a moment, I wanted to cry, I could feel my eyes getting wet, but nothing happened. After the talk I got the feeling when you are crying, on the inside, but on the outside I wasn’t showing any emotion at all, a poker face you could say… and I hated myself. It’s been so long since I cried. Not saying that I like to do that, but sometimes it’s good, it liberates you… Last time I cried was because my dog that had 14 years with me, passed away… since then, well, nothing at all.

I “poisoned” myself. How can I tell that?

Some TV series, books, and other things that I could read/watch and would make nothing to me, well, now make me sad, sometimes, like some endings, that while not being sad, still make me sad. (gee, hate to use so much the same word)

This week that is going away, or was last week? Not sure… anyways, one of those days, while I traveled back home, boom! Emotional breakdown. I started to feel bad, sad, tired, all at once. Could do nothing to make myself feel better, except trying to avoid that, by playing some things on the internet, listening to music that was the opposite to my mood, etc. But I kept feeling like that all day.

I’ve been trying to talk with my dad, but I keep deferring that. Why? Because I have no courage. I just don’t have enough courage to talk to my dad about issues that’ve been here for a while. I fear for what will happen. A friend told me to do it, it would beautiful for it to be solved, that I should be a middleman, but I just can’t gather enough courage to do it. I’m the worst.

I keep telling myself that thing of making others happy before myself, but really, have I made anyone happy? I don’t think so… perhaps some laughter, a smile or two… but made someone happy? No…

I’ve been having weird dreams (or are them nightmares?) lately… about me, talking with those who I cared for, those that I loved, in places where they usually are… and I can remember what I talked to them about… a goodbye. I talk to them, and the environment has lot of white light, the place is like surrounded by a very bright sunlight. I talk to one friend, then it’s like I vanish and walk into another place, where is the next friend who I’ll talk to…

My mind is playing tricks with me. Or is it sending me a message?…

I say to myself that I want soon for july and winter’s vacation to come, so I get time for myself to think… but I don’t think I will. 

I just don’t know what to do. I have to be strong for others. But for me? “I’m weak against myself”…

I think that one day I’ll be so on my own world, thinking, that I’ll cross a street, and won’t notice a car coming, untill it’s too late… Almost happened to me two or three weeks ago…

Perhaps I need a break, in a place far away from everything…